january's over already ??? what

i'm finally working on the second half of my ocs' casuals. these head to body proportions are genuinely the worst.

my hater heart is so happy because revsaysdesu's bitchass got kicked out of his sponsor lmaoooo life is good sometimes. like genuinely, never kill yourself because you could miss out on a mf you wish the worst for actually losing everything.

i've been feeling really depressed, everything sucks and i don't see the point in doing much of anything. i keep having brief moments of panic where i imagine time passing, the people around me dying and eventually, me dying as well. it's very scary, not knowing what comes after death.... it's nauseating. i feel insignificant, completely powerless in face of something bigger threatening to take everything i know away from me. weak and trapped. what am i gonna do ? what's going to happen ?? help ???

head proportions are a neverending nightmare everytime i draw it's pissing me off.. i always feel like the head looks too big or too small in comparison to the body of the character, and when i adjust it and have to do the same for others, then those characters look weird. ughhhhhh

read 17776 today. i love the way dialogue between the characters is written, it feels very human and exudes warmth. for once in my life, i really wish sports wasn't the most boring, draining topic ever for me because i could've probably enjoyed it more.. like it's not a long read but i had to take a break because even those brief stories about ridiculous football matches felt like torture.

would i want to live forever? it sounds like it'd be terrible in the long run, but i still find some comfort in the idea.... i think i'm just really afraid of dying with regrets.

found this website called ellipsus that people use for writing. i'm not gonna use it but it has some very nice color theme options that i might steal to use in my obsidian app :3ccc

temperatures are rising in my area, standing outside under the sun it's unbearable. i hate summer oughhhhhh

did some stretching today ! my body is so stiff and my shoulders are especially sore..

sorry i can't get over that line, it's so stupid lmaooo anyway yeah, new arctic monkeys song. the chorus slaps !!! ..the rest of it less so, but it'll probably get better after a few listens.

i still have very mixed feelings on the idea of them disbanding.. i'd loove more music but at the same time, i'm fairly content with what we already have. ultimately, if they're not comfortable working together anymore, i'd rather they just leave it here. i dunno.........

drew one (1) cat, not as difficult as i thought it'd be. maybe i'll draw more, but i should also continue working on my ocs' outfits and designs.

i've been feeling a bit down recently, worried that my writing is not interesting or cohesive enough.... i feel like it doesn't really lead anywhere.

did you know i was born today.. probably if you read the entry from a few days ago. anyway.

it was indeed kind of a nothing burger, at least the cake was actually pretty good. now i have to protect it from my idiot siblings who eat much more than i do. i also got a drawing from my bff, she's drawn my sona more than i have atp.

it's interesting how in the 1998 cats film, they paired up tumblebrutus with mistoffelees for some of the ballet-heavy sequences in the jellicle ball. in literally every other recording of the ball that i've found, it is pouncival/carbucketty who dances those same parts with misto instead !

it definitely makes more sense to me because if he's the main misto understudy, you'd want to put him in the part where he gets to do essentially the same moves right ?? pouncival also seems to overall be more front-and-center.. i wonder why the film choreo pushed him to the back so much. let him have his moment !!!

posted a little about caramelody on socials + their somewhat finished casual outfits. i always get really anxious posting them for literally no reason. i guess people perceiving my ocs feels as if they're perceiving me too, and the mean voices in my head hate that.

back in cats jail.. i can't help it i love cats. i keep fantasizing about drawing cats characters but maybe i should actually like, do it ?? crazy idea.

i also lowkey want to draw ty in a cats costume.... he's a literal professional theatre kid, so no one can stop me from saying he was in broadway cats at some point in time. i make the rules or whatever.

ok completely random tangent. i've always envisioned him playing mungojerrie, but now i'm becoming quite fond of the idea of him playing pouncival/carbucketty while being a mungo or mistoffelees understudy instead. i think carbucketty's design is cute (context: pouncival uses the same look in many productions), and i was able to find examples of actors who played them being mungo and misto understudies or covers, sooo it's plausible !! i think !!!

tumblebrutus could be an alternative but i'm not the biggest fan of his design. i also considered plato for a second because i like the moment he has with victoria in the jellicle ball, but then i remembered actors for plato double as macavity, and tyler does nottt have the height for that shit !!! i don't fw macavity so it's not a big loss, anyway.

got my quad nerdle badge !! it didn't come with a pop-up like crossnerdle, for some reason. i hope that they add badges for 2dnerdle and targets soon, those are the other modes i really enjoy and play daily.

almost done with caramelody's summer-spring casual fits !! i'll eventually do a autumn-winter variant for them but right now i want to move onto polaris+magicalyria's casuals so i can have set looks for all of them.

4 days until my birthday.. i know it's stereotypical at this point but i really don't feel almost 22 years old at all. i don't think i have the maturity or experience or looks or anything of someone that age.

my birthday has been a nothing burger for a few years now.. my family gets together for dinner, we eat some cheap cake and that's kinda it. i don't even get many presents because it's so close to christmas. i do admittedly wish i could enjoy it more.

it's taking forever because i keep getting back on bed to doomscroll on twitter, but i'm slowly getting caramelody's outfits done. the only real problem is that i have to design shoes, i'm really bad at it.

helping my bff setup her own site. turns out i'm lowkey really bad at explaining things like coding to a layman.

tomorrow the plan is to figure out casual clothes for caramelody !! i have some bases with questionable anatomy ready for it. i also need to decide how the hell i should draw cherry's hair because i'm never able to make the same exact bob look good twice and it pisses me off.

my pc is back !!! now i have no excuses to avoid drawing. i need to get back on the grind !!

the fact that can't stop thinking about my ocs but the thoughts never amount to actual lore development and it's all just inconsequential concepts and ideas.... release me !!!

i feel like the biggest loser.. i could be doing so many things right now but instead i'm just lying in bed, thinking about how much i miss my PC.

i need to start working out and waking up earlier dude. i can't keep living like this.

my bedroom door got fixed/replaced !! the new one is... not as good looking as i expected. kinda looks like a public bathroom door but at least it works. it also has a lock, can't remember the last time i had a working lock in my door.

on an unrelated note, my dad took my pc </3 it's fine, he needs it to test a new gpu (my christmas request) that's slightly better than my current gpu from fucking 2013 !!! forever cursing genAI-obsessed techbros and companies for making gpus so damn expensive.

my bedroom door is finally getting fixed tomorrow !! yay

summer is starting to hit.. the humidity is what really makes it unbearable to be honest. everything feels sticky and gross.

did nothing today and now i'm beating myself up for it. i need to fix my sleep schedule and get myself together for once.

it seems like my pc monitor is finally dying.... the colors and size of this screen have always been very comfortable for me. i'll find a replacement, but i can't afford to get this same model again unfortunately.

losing the battle against my period i hate it so much.... but maybe i'm just trying to look for excuses to stay in bed and daydream about my ocs all day.

period cramps were out to get me today holy shit, couldn't (and didn't want to) get out of bed.

also another blackout !! why !!! i'm tired man

saw a cool artist from a fandom i'm in do this bet that if he didn't finish 100 drawings by the end of 2025, he'd delete his account. fortunately for him and his fans, he reached his goal.

anyway that got me thinking maybe i could do something like that too.. not with such a harsh consecuence as deleting my accounts but just setting a goal of X amount of finished works by the end of 2026. perhaps i could bet on 50 ?? idk. i'll think abt it.

i wish to do more stuff this year, but i already got very sad and had little energy to really do anything on the first day....

today i tried doing some gesture drawings, i've wanted to make that into a habit for a long time but it's much more difficult said than done.. the results were lowkey ugly </3 a bit demotivating but everyone always says it'll improve with time.

i did go back and looked at my last attempt at this (mid 2024....) and i can at least say i've got a slightly better idea of what i'm doing now, sooo life could be worse i guess.

heyyyyyyyyyyyy happy new years !! sorry i'm updating this late..

we had dinner at my grandma's place to celebrate. it's summer around here, yet they thought it was a good idea to eat outside, with no AC. i was sweating all over.. at least there weren't any bugs.