(CW: graphic) i watched some videos talking about tragic cases of radiation exposure. i also watched a recently uploaded video about the byford dolphin accident, the one where an extreme change in atmosphere pressure made a man basically explode into unrecognizable masses and blood, as he was violently sucked through a 5 inch hole in milliseconds. i already knew most of the topics covered, but i occasionally enjoy going back to them.

seeing all those pictures of organs and rotten skin made me think about my own body and it's mortality. it's so weird to think that i'm made of that stuff too. to think that an unfortunate accident could one day leave me with my organs spilling out, while i die slowly and painfully. to think that one day doctors could be looking at my insides and taking pictures..

i'm really, really scared of dying. i hate having a body that's so fragile. i hate being perceived.

having this site is nice but it often makes me forget to update my personal diary with the things i'd rather keep private. i just went back and added a few entries, i ended up crying quite a bit.

having a rough time trying to figure out my ocs' hairstyles. i draw them differently every time and it bothers me, but i just can't keep it consistent..

sorry i didn't update yesterday, i was debating on posting that entry since my brain went back and forth between "idgaf" and "too cringe". i cried a little while writing it.. i'm much more prone to getting emotional nowadays.

the good: i got my 365-day crossnerdle badge !!! i've been waiting and waiting for this day. i love my crossnerdles.

quadnerdle is next, that's the mode that began my nerdle habit but i didn't do it consistently at first.. also nerdle sometimes randomly decides to wipe my account's data and stats.

the bad: bylers are crazy dude !! i don't care for stranger things but i find it fascinating and kinda sad how they keep convincing each other into having hope for something that's clearly not going to happen.

i believe that, after those self-proclaimed "profics", the most annoying shippers you can stumble upon are those who latch onto these one-sided / doomed / sometimes just completely fanon ships, and go beyond the average shipper who enjoys content of the pair and thinks it'd maybe be cool if it ever became canon; they think the ship should be canon and if it doesn't happen, it's a genuine writing issue.

they're the worstttt, especially when you like the pairing that did become canon instead. i really hope these bylers are able to move on soon and find actual gay stories to read, assuming that's really what they want.... (side-eye to the people shipping the actors)

the ugly: the last hinge holding my bedroom door to it's frame finally came off. now the door is just there, leaning on the frame.

it's so frustrating not having money to even do basic house renovations like this. i don't know for how long i'll have to deal with having no actual working door to my room. i hate being broke !!!!!

happy birthday to my absolute favorite comfort character, the only one i've ever genuinely projected a lot of myself into.

when my bff since kindergarten told me she was moving to another city in 9th grade, i was distraught and heartbroken, i couldn't see a path forward without her around. you were there, experiencing something similar and it was one of the first times i remember ever crying over a fictional story..

i believe that was the day you became much more than a character i liked. you meant a lot to me and became my way of processing my feelings through my years in highschool, and you're still important now, though nowadays i prefer projecting onto my ocs instead. i don't know where i'd be without you.

happy holidays !! it's been non-stop nightly rainstorms in my area and apparently it'll keep going until new years. it's so bad that water began going inside the house.. i like rain but not THAT much rain, thank you.

my gifts were one cologne and like 20$ lol, i wasn't expecting much anyway.

i'm SO PISSED with the ai shit feature added to twitter. this is the coldest take ever but there's really no good place in social media for artists online. people don't hold any respect for creatives anymore.

i've been listening to iconic songs from digimon recently. i was a big digimon kid through all of elementary, it means a lot to me. also the songs SLAP to this day, what can i say.

i almost cried watching some digivolution clips too. i'm usually quite aloof but i've been very sensitive recently, anything mildly nostalgic makes my eyes watery.... this year had me in the trenches.

currently rabbit hole i'm in is the fallout of like. half of the stranger things fandom bc those mike and will boys didn't get together. i've never seen stranger things but ship discourse of fandoms i'm not in is my guiltiest pleasure.

my cat broke my earbuds !!!! fml. i'm too broke to buy a new pair </3

i'm writing here earlier than usual but it's bc i'll probably have no energy to do it after i come back home from celebrating with my family.

kind of a weird christmas, honestly. it's the first one without one of my close relatives. i think their absence is going to be felt strongly at the dinner table tonight.

i also know there's probably not gonna be any particularly exciting presents waiting for me. it's fine, i asked for things that have to be discussed further before buying them. plus everyone is broke asf.

this site reached 1000 views according to neocities !! i'm happy, i'll consider it a christmas present. it's probably not a lot but i still think it's crazy ppl have checked on this so many times. thank you guys.... sobs

more good news that should've been in yesterday's entry but i forgot: i got my first secret santa present !!

i'm so mad with twitter because i literally got zero notifs about it, even though the artist tagged me on the post.. i only found out because my best friend saw it after i told her i'd just seen HER GIFT before she did. fuck you elon !!!

whatever. the gift is so pretty and it's my favorite sideM boy nekoyanagi kirio !!! i don't feel comfortable embedding it here bc it's not my work but you can find me crying over it on my socials.

he's so cute. life is good sometimes

i'm trying to work on redesigns for polaris.... ugh...... i hate them. they're so ugly it pisses me off, but they're too ingrained in my mind and my other ocs' lore to take them out. it's fine, i'll figure it out eventually.

had yet another blackout for like 6 hours due to strong winds and storms in the area. at least the temperature was cool and my phone was charged, so i didn't start crashing out like the other day.. it still pissed me off.

mom doesn't want to set up our tiny christmas tree like we've always done, she's convinced our new cat M will try to mess with it. i understand where she's coming from but it feels somewhat depressing, like things are just not the same anymore.

everything feels dull recently. i get this sinking feeling in my stomach thinking about how there's no coming back to how life was at the beginning of this year.

i've been so damn lazy and stupid this week, i have no energy to do anything.. i need to start my secret santa drawings, there's only a few days left.... ughhhh

the news about mr. marbles' passing made me sad. jenna was one of my favorite youtubers in the last 2 years or so before she went offline. her pets are the sweetest and mr. marbles was such a big part of her channel and who she is.

perhaps i'm biased but i feel like 2025 took a lot of loved ones, pets and people, away from everyone. i've never had to deal with loss and grief to this extent. i can't wait for it to be over.

i feel really bad for being so fixated on polaris and neglecting my other ocs.... i think it's just a habit to go back to them in particular whenever i'm having a rough time. they've existed for much longer than most of my other characters, so seeing how far they've come makes me a little, a tiny bit happier with my work.

i can't stop listening to this song. help.... arctic monkeys' humbug era is literally the best thing to ever happen i think. oh my god

i'm very happy !!! doomscrolling on twt i stumbled upon someone asking for an enst song i've been trying to find for the longest time. another user in the comments claimed to have it and based on the replies, had sent it to OP on discord. thus, after 3 hours of building up courage, i asked if they could send it to me too and they did !!!

i knew this song was only available in a special edition disk, so my hopes of one day getting my broke ass hands on it were very low.... i'm so thankful ougjhhhh life is worth living sometimes.

starting to work on my obsidian thing. there's a long path forward in terms of figuring out the nitty-gritty of the design, especially considering i have to then deal with the mobile app version too (ugh), but i like how it's looking so far.

refurbishing obsidian got cancelled for the day because i had to attend my sister's graduation. my brain doesn't like to do anything while i'm waiting for any social event to happen.

i felt really ugly and out of place the entire time we were there. i couldn't help but think about how all these other people around me looked so much better..... it's so draining to go through this every time.

i have a general rule of not touching any previous entries once i post a new one, but i decided to go back and delete that drawing from a few days ago.. sorry, i got really insecure </333 it's still up on my socials, i just don't like to see it anytime i scroll down here. hope y'all can forgive me.

i forgot to change yesterday's entry date lol.... i got genuinely scared and confused when i read 2025-12-13 and then looked at the current date; for a moment i wondered if my brain is actually so cooked that i somehow missed two days of updates. my bad

i spent all day in bed, doing nothing productive. i decided tomorrow i'll start working on refurbishing the design of my obsidian app. it's my way of forcing me to start writing stuff there again.

i'm still very tadcpilled after the newest episode. i truly love the show so far and it reminds me in lots of ways to my ocs in idzr.. i want to say more but i honestly don't know where i could possibly start so my mind is blank. i hate moments like these where i'm not well-spoken or articulated enough to explain myself </3

i guess i'll just say i love all of the cast. unfortunately it'll take months, but i'm looking forward to see what they do next.

i really really need to get off of twt. these people PISS ME OFF there's no way folks are out there existing when they are ok with giving such absolute dogshit takes, ragebait or not.... but i can't stop, doomscrolling is addicting and makes me feel something, i guess that's why i keep doing it.

for some reason my college's shitty online campus didn't allow me to register for one of my finals, even though afaik there should still be time to do so.. i'm kinda pissed not gonna lie. i wanted to be done with this course and only have to worry about calculus once summer break is over. whatever

pleaseeee let 2026 be good. i'm tired of things happening that make me feel nothing but sad and desperate.

i also need to stop being so chopped i HATE being so ugly !! i hate how my insecurities bleed though the cracks and make their way into all of my interactions and decisions !!!!!!! oh my god bruh

spent all day doodling and taking embarrassingly long to eat lunch and dinner because i kept getting distracted. i also finally posted some art on social media, hadn't done that since like september i think. crazy

i've been pondering for a while on what to call my oc lore, i really want a proper name that isn't "vnonary's ocs". i began brainstorming ideas around a month ago, and idolizer project was one of the first names i came up with. i liked it, but because i had just began thinking about this, i left it there as an option and kept searching for other possible titles.

alas, i haven't found anything that feels more fitting. i purposefully don't want anything too fancy or "epic"-sounding, this is just a small project for myself and i want the title to reflect that. i think idolizer gets straight to the point and is simple enough in a way that i like.

also, there doesn't seem to be any other "idolizer project" on google lol. anyway, i guess it'll indeed be called idolizer project, idolizer or idzr for short. this will only really matter once i make my website public, so for now i don't feel much pressure to be 100% confident on my decision.

i liked the tadc episode !! some aspects felt a little underwhelming (no ribbit </3) but it's ok, maybe we'll see more in the next one. this is clearly meant to be a sort of part one to ep8.

speaking abt tadc, i try to act nonchalant about it but it kinda gets to me how, whenever i post abt tadc in my glitch-show themed twt account with close to 1k followers, i get so little attention compared to my md posts....

i feel selfish complaining because obviously the fact people care to follow me for any reason is already cool !! but i didn't want to be a victim of the twt algorithm that only gives you grace when you post about That One Thing you became known for in the first place.

drew more ocs yay !! this time my own, not my bff's. i'm still struggling a lot with faces, i can't escape from having to sit down and practice for much longer i fear.

i've been wanting to talk to someone about polaris for a while, yet at the same time i get really flustered when i'm given the chance to actually do so. if i ever publish my oc website, i'm honestly most afraid of how they will be received.. i feel like their dynamic is too self-indulgent and strange in a way that only i truly understand.

i'm still debating what to make of their relationship in canon. are they romantically involved ? do they deserve that ?? they certainly wouldn't last long together, lol. whatever

i think it's time for me to just accept i won't be taking my calc final this month, it's way too late to start studying now. we'll see how things go in february i guess.

i've been dealing with random waves of sadness, thinking about all the things that happened this year.

more than a decade of depression has ruined my sense of time and space. i'm often dissociating and feel disconnected from my sorroundings, like my life isn't actually mine. but wow, when i think about it hard enough, this year took away a lot from me in ways that i just can't ever get back. people in my life i'll never see again.

i'm really scared for the future. at this point i'm only asking for a decent life, where i get to enjoy having my loved ones around me for as long as possible.

finally drew some oc stuff today. i really miss my little guys, they mean a lot to me and i'm very invested in their relationships and struggles. if only i wasn't so hard on myself and my current art skills.....

changed the photo galleries. i liked the masonry layout style, but i only really used it once so far and css' columns property is kinda wonky when you don't have enough pics to fill all of the columns. i think it looks better now.

period cramps jumped me today and i was in too much pain to do anything useful.

i get really excited daydreaming about my oc website but i have soo much to do and draw to get where i want........ ughhhhh i hate being so lazy.

i also kinda worry about what will happen once and if i finish it and make it public. will ppl like them ?? i'm really scared of attracting the wrong crowd. idk.

there's this idol oc group on youtube that i've been following silently for a bit and it's super cute. they have a discord server but i'm genuinely so anxious about joining aghhhhh i don't know what to do..... what if they notice me immediately and start trying to figure out who i am bc it's a very small audience and i've never really interacted with them </3

i've been waiting like a month for them to post another vid so i can leave a comment and make my entrance into the discord more smoothly, as if i'd just discovered them or something.

i've been eyeing those stamps everyone puts on their sites and i decided to add an experimental section for it. i also didn't feel like making or finding proper stamps for my interests right now, so you get some ominous placeholders. code for the infinite scrolling thing was based on this one.

i'm not fully convinced with it, i feel like it looks too busy on mobile..... maybe i'll delete it later.

it rained for a bit and i stood on the porch watching. it was nice, wish it had lasted longer.

i've been frustrated thinking about how i could be doing so many more things right now. time keeps passing, and i'm just wasting my days. i always have.

so the electrical transformer thing in my block literally blew up 3 hours ago and the entire area is still in complete blackout. it's hot and i'm sweating all over. it's also 3 am so the only light is coming from my phone where i'm writing this. i also also have 5% of battery left. help

there's also bugs and roaches. i hate bugs so muchhhhhh or actually i don't, but the phobia is stronger than me and they freak me out. i dread summer every year because that's when they all start coming out and walking around the house.

but the worst part is definitely the way people don't take me seriously at all. i feel so stupid and like a burden when my mom reluctantly tells my brother to come kill a roach for me because i'm too much of a pussy to do it.....

UGHHHHH I HATE THIS I HATE IT HERE I WANT TO LEAVE. why do i have to be so incompetent and lame and ugly and fucking dumb. if only the electricity company wasn't so fucking ass perhaps i wouldn't be freaking out. i could be spacing out and scrolling on pinterest like usual.

anyway i drew this on my tablet before it died because it was already at low battery before the blackout. it helped me dissociate from my current situation for a bit, at least.

this might be the only oc drawing doodle whatever you'll ever see here. it might also start a trend of posting ugly doodles. who knows, i don't. i don't know anything right now.

lights are back on, i'm normal now ♡ it's crazy to think about how i used to survive through these as a kid, hours-long blackouts in the middle of the night were so common during the summer.. i have a vivid memory of laying on two chairs in the backyard, staring at the night sky while listening to hillbilly man. great song. then again, temperatures weren't nearly as hot as in more recent years, sooo......

i considered deleting that fugly doodle from earlier but it's ok, i'll let it be just switch it for a properly exported version instead of a picture taken from my phone. things will probably change once i improve my skills, but for now just know that a drawing that includes tyler is usually the result of an agonizing experience of some kind.

i'm still using that animalese typing thing. the "voices" for normal key presses became annoying quickly but using only the sfx sounds is pretty nice, actually.

guess who forgot to actually copy-and-paste her update into neocities again :3c

took my oral french exam this time !! once again i did ok. this was my third year of taking these classes, but honestly i feel like i don't know much of anything yet.....

most of it is definitely on me, i rarely if ever take time to continue practicing after class and i don't engage with almost any french media. however, i've also been thinking abt how my prof is really nice and chit-chatty, but we don't do much during classes for that reason lol.. she loooves to talk about her experiences in other countries to us and uses like half of our time for that.

maybe one day i'll get better at it. phonetics are by far the worst part, i'm so ass at pronouncing words..... the "R" sound has me in the trenches </3 help

i'm really excited for the next tadc episode. i've been loving the show since the pilot came out, the way it's written reminds me of my ocs in a way.

the way most of them lowkey don't get along at all, yet are forced to interact with each other everyday because they're trapped in the circus.... working in an idol agency kinda serves that same purpose for my ocs, like "trapping" them together for a while you know.

i'd probably draw a lot of tadc if jax wasn't so CHOPPED, fugly ass bunny. i don't want to draw him

got my yt recap !!! unlike the yt music one, this one would NOT change from spanish no matter how much i tried, dunno why. anyways here it is:

mentour pilot at the top of the list is pretty funny i'm ngl.. i got really really into airplane crashes analysis videos at the end of last year and that interest continued into this one for a bit lol. also, while i do like mentour pilot, disaster breakdown is actually my favorite channel of this genre.

went to take my written french exam. the funny part is that there's only three other people in this class, and two of them took this exam last week bc they'd be out of the city by today. then it also turned out that the third guy came last week too, so i had to be there alone and in silence with my professor for like an hour.... awkwardd but it's fine. i think i did ok

officially one month since i impulsively wrote my first entry here, waow. i'm usually really bad at committing to anything ever for more than three days so maybe i should consider this an achievement ?? the mean side of my brain tells me that it doesn't count bc it's not hard to do at all.....

anyway i'll probably keep posting here and try to mantain the daily pace. according to neocities, this gets around 10-30 unique views per day which is #scary but once again, thanks for checking it out.

I WANT MY YOUTUBE RECAP the normal one.. an ig mutual from the US posted theirs and now i'm impatiently waiting for mine to arrive, apparently it should be available in the next few days. i was not mentally prepared for a general yt recap, who knows what will show up.......

what am i doingggg i should be studying rn, instead i'm wasting time looking at sites on neocities.... they are very cute sites though.

i'm so underwhelmed with nerdle's christmas add-vent calendar this year, it's apparently going to be 25 days of their dumb new games where you compete against a bot or whatever. booooooooooring.

for comparison, this is what we got last year:

i miss my wife (21x21 crossnerdle)....... i was so excited too. sad

i know i'm late to the party but i installed this thing that makes animal crossing sounds when you type, it's cute. let's see how long it takes before i get tired of it.

what's up youtube tube tube tube tube tuuuuube, i can finally make a new page for a new month. it's nice to have a clean canvas like this again.

i keep forgetting i joined not one, but two secret santas and we're already in december !! hello where did november go. anyway i need to get on to drawing those i guess </3 i hate being so lazy.

i'm thinking of making it a goal for the 31st to start setting up my oc site, the base html for it at least. just to have something before going into the new year you know.... idk