hello. to be honest, i've been neglecting this site because i've been neglecting everything in general. sorry for that.

i enjoyed the newest tadc episode, this show is very dear to me.. people criticize it for being a nothingburger or having little stakes, but that's exactly what i like about it.

i think i relate a lot to the characters and their situation because i've also felt trapped for a very long time. this capitalistic hellscape is already a prison, but living with all the hate i have for myself is what really makes me feel caged. the circus is so overwhelmingly huge, the characters look minuscule in it. i often think about our world and feel small or insignificant in that way too, having no control over the horrible systems around me. the cycle i have to go through everyday feels ridiculous.

it's funny to be the same age as jax and zooble right now, i do see myself in both of them to some degree. i also have dreams and goals, i want to leave my mark. and yet.... my mental struggles have taken that away from me. will i ever get that back ? i want it back. i yearn for freedom.

dissociating has always been my main coping mechanism. in my elementary/middle school years i was extremely emotionally unavailable, everyone would say i seemed very serious. i would never cry, even while alone. i also used to be quite the bully with my friends.. i would find anything to make fun of them. there was even a boy in my class during seventh grade that i got pretty physical with, i'd pull at his hair or prick his skin all the time. i had mixed feelings about him. i was always trying to be a little funny and sarcastic with everything.

that's the time where i remember being the most "out of it", just not fully there. cracks first began to show when i was around 13 and my best friend moved to another city, suddenly everything felt like it was falling apart and i'd cry myself to sleep more often than not. a fictional character i'd just discovered back then became a source of projection to me, and my dissociation continued through him.

nowadays, i still operate like i'm not in the real world a lot of the time. just letting myself rot in bed because who cares, this isn't real and one day i'll escape. sometimes i even neglect or hurt people i love with my whole heart, and i catch myself trying to justify it with "are these people real ? does it matter ?".. then something bad happens, and i'm violently pulled out of my own head. suddenly it dawns on me: this is real, there's no way out. these people around me could and will die one day, and i'm hurting them. i'm real and i'm hurting myself. i want to go back to dissociating so bad....

i really, really want to take this show's message to heart, but it's so difficult when you're already so deep inside the hole you've buried for yourself.

today's entry is dedicated to the olaf animatronic that i have very strong maternal feelings for. look at him

he's sooooo cute, this is the first time i truly understand what people mean when they say disney parks make them feel like children again. i didn't even care much for olaf in the movies but wow i feel so much childlike joy seeing videos of this little guy walking around.. it's like watching a cute baby deer from far away. overall beautiful execution of the concept, he's the first actually appealing animatronic i've seen and i want more videos of him.

sooooo it appears i've unintentionally delayed my college graduation one year due to an impulsive decision i made 6+ months ago. i won't get too deep into it because it's just a bunch of poorly organized, bureocratic jargon but TL;DR my major was approved for a new study plan last year. i decided to switch from the old one because it'd allow me to avoid a course from the old plan i really didn't want to do, and now it turns out i can't do any courses this year lol.. this explanation is probably ass but yeah.

i'm honestly pissed and i feel so stupid because why didn't i do more research ?? why did i assume that my college would organize things properly when i know damn well they never do ??? ugh. i've already been told there's no coming back or solutions either.

now i'm thinking what i can do outside of college this year. i don't wanna get a job........... maybe i could find some courses to do ? this could be an opportunity to change my habits and life for the better but i feel so useless right now, i don't know if i can see myself doing that. i just wanna lay in bed and rot. ugly and stupid.

ok i really have to lock in and work on my website.. i can't spend all day just fantasizing about it.

i want to buy new clothes so bad but i'm broke like always....... i want to dress cute and have an actual style.

hi hello hi sorry i didn't post for almost a week, time flies when you're depressed and keep postponing everything to doomscroll and draw slop.

i've been pondering on upcoming college classes and my future. everything leads me back to "if i don't go to therapy soon i might die". above all, i still hate being broke.

i participated in a fun collab with a bunch of other artist to draw, apparently, over 1000+ (!!) hatsune mikus for her birthday. unfortunately i did procrastinate it until the very end of the deadline, so some things didn't come out exactly how i wanted, but i still think my piece looks ok.

there's so many things with my ocs that i want to draw but they are so beyond my skill level that i just know i'll get super frustrated if i try to actually make any of them into a real drawing. but hey, no one else is going to draw them other than me, so......

my cat got sick a few days ago and it really freaked me out, i spent the whole night fighting against my brain that kept telling me she'd die in the next 30 minutes. anyway we took her to the vet the next day and as it turns out, she just had a dental issue. she's doing better now.

i thought a lot about my previous cat. i really miss her. i keep imagining the last moments of the loved ones i've lost and wondering if they were scared, if they had any hope someone could save them.